The Time Gone By
by The Impossiblity of Normal
Summary: Why would Edward leave if he loved me? As I asked myself that question, once again, I immediately knew the answer. And when I did, I felt a mixture of emotions: relief, sadness, happiness, understanding, and many more.


**Disclaimer: **_We all know who these characters really belong to, the amazing Stephenie Meyer._

**Chapter 1: A New Beginning**

I was watching out my truck window from the passenger's seat, Jake was driving, we were almost to Charlie's. I turned to look at Jake, his face was etched with sadness and worry. Harry Clearwater had just died from heart attack. I replay what happened at the Blacks...

_I was still laying next to Jake as he slept. I felt so guilty. Why did I have to jump off that damn cliff? My dad needed me, especially today, Harry just had a heart attack this afternoon and we weren't sure if he was going to live. Jumping was wrong, I knew that now._

_Thinking of that reminded me of yet, another problem. Jacob. Jacob wanted more than friendship, I knew that, yet I kept stringing him along. It is a selfish and horrible thing for me to do. I love Jacob, I do. He's my best friend and is slowly filling the hole in my heart, but he doesn't deserve me, I'm broken and extremely fragile. I could never love him with my whole heart, I could never love him to the extent I know I'm capable of. I could never love him the way I love Edward. _

_Edward. Edward. Edward…I kept repeating his name, the name I refused to say or even think, until today. Jumping off the cliff made all my mental blocks disappear. I knew I still loved Edward. I always would, whether he loved me back or not. But I seriously need to set my priorities straight, how was I ever suppose to move on if I wouldn't let go? _

_As soon as I thought that, the door opened and in came Sam and Billy. Sam was completely calm and unattached while Billy had been crying. I knew what had happened once I saw their faces. _

_I jumped up off the couch causing Jake to suddenly fall off and on to the floor. _

_"What? What happened?!?!" Jake said frantically. But he fell silent when he too, saw their faces. Jake and I ran to them._

_"Oh, Billy! I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed._

_"Yeah…" was all he replied._

_I thought of Charlie, of how he was handling the news, the news of his recently pasted friend. I needed to be there to comfort him._

_"How's Charlie? Have you seen him?" I asked. _

_"He wasn't doing so well, he was still at the hospital when we left." Billy's face was full of sorrow._

_"I'm sorry, Billy, but I really should be there when Charlie gets home…" I said as I hugged him._

_"I'll drive you, you'll get there quicker." Jake offered. I agree and we were out the door in mere seconds. "I'll be back as soon as I can, Dad." _

_"Alright, be careful."_

I snapped back to reality, we were about to pull into Charlie's drive. I slid over to Jake as he cut the engine. He held me and I silently started to cry, I felt so sad for Sue, Leah, and Seth. I lifted my head to look at his face, he was also crying. I reached up to wiped away his tears, as did Jacob. Once the palm of my hand was resting on his cheek, his own hand covered mine. I knew that if we weren't careful, we would easily kiss. Something I wasn't sure I wanted or not. Jacob felt me freeze, and sighed, understanding. I stiffly moved my hand from his cheek, but he kept his hand in place on my face.

"Bella, it's okay." He reassured me. But I wasn't completely. I hadn't made a decision as to what I wanted. I nodded, and took his hand from my face to lace his fingers through mine and climbed out of the truck. He walked me to the door an hugged me tightly once and then swiftly ran into the woods, out of sight.

I carefully made my way up the stairs and in to my room, shaking slightly, for I was afraid of what this might do to me but I needed to think about what had happened in the truck and my bed was the safest place to make that possible. I slowly kicked off my shoes and flopped down on the blankets. There are so many things to rethink, so many choices to make. But the biggest decision was about _Edward, Edward Cullen_ and my past with him. Past, it's such a heavy word, it forces you to think about your own life and remember memories that may cause you pain. Most don't want to dwell on their _past_, but at times it's a must whether you like it or not. And this was my time.

I started with my first week in Forks, that first day in Biology, and wasn't surprised when I realized that Edward had been in my life from the very beginning, he was all I could think about then, too. The look in his eyes of hate, of murder. _If looks could kill_, I remember thinking. I had no idea why he had he looked at me like that, no idea that he wanted to kill me or that he was a vampire, no idea that he believed he was monster without a soul.

My mind continued to spin with memories of Edward, his butterscotch eyes, his bronze hair, and my favorite tilted smile. I started to cry. The pain was blinding as I fell, once again, apart. It hurt so much to think of him.

I remembered the phenomenon of him stopping Tyler's van, a sheer impossibility at the time. I thought of the curiosity, of _what_ and _who_ he was, the event revealed. He absolutely denied my beliefs and appeared to question my sanity, but then of course I was too.

Then afterwards when he wouldn't even acknowledge my present I thought he was regretting it. Again things are not always how they appear, because once more he was trying to save my life by staying away from me. Of course when he decided he couldn't, it changed everything. When I thought that I scoffed. Changed? More like it completely flipped my world upside down.

Then I was at the beach with Jacob, so long ago now, and he was telling me the Quileute legends, he was breaking the superstitious treaty and telling me that the Cullen family were really cold ones, vampires. And though I knew it was nonsense I believed that story, because there was something different, something like this about _him._

I thought of when I fainted from the smell of blood, he was the one to take me to the nurse even though he was skipping class. I thought of how he saved me yet again in Port Angeles, how he took me to dinner and told me what he was. And to my intense surprise I didn't care whether or not he could kill me if he was near me, I didn't cared that he _had_ killed before; I was in love with him, I _loved_ him. And that was when I knew that I would never be able to stay away from him.

Even when he always giving me the choice to leave and constantly warning me how dangerous and unhealthy he was for me.

Of course getting to know Edward was….indescribable, I had never felt that way about anyone before, but Edward wasn't just anyone. Just thinking of those moments with him I could feel the corners of my mouth slowly turning up, I was smiling, something that doesn't happen often. His interrogations of me from my favorite color to what happened at my first birthday party made me believe, even now, that he really did care for me, that maybe it wasn't impossible for him to love me.

I pushed that thought away as soon as it passed through my head, it was insane, absurd to even think I was right for him, to think that his words all those months ago when he left were a lie. And really _he_ left me.

Trying to ignore the thought that he could possibly love me I continued to go through my memories of Edward. I stopped when I thought of our meadow. The day he explained to me what I was to him, how I was his "brand of heroin" and he believed it was impossible to love to me as he did. But that was probably a lie then, or a misunderstanding of his own feelings, instead of love, it was lust or hunger for my blood. Not for _me_, Bella. But what about our first kiss? I asked myself. It could have been Edward's own little experiment. No, it wasn't. There was so much passion and adoration behind that kiss, as with every other. Was it really hard to believe that Edward did love me? Or maybe the question I should be asking is, How could I believe he didn't love me?

Those questions were both simple and extremely difficult to answer. Because if he really did love me, why did he leave?

I continued to think with a different take on my memories. When he first took me to meet his family he was excited, happy for me to meet them, as though he didn't have anything more to hide from me, which was exactly the case. I thought of the baseball game and when he was angry with me, for becoming to eager when we kissed…..but then he said it wasn't me he was mad at. What he hated was himself, for being so selfish and risking my life because if he lost control he wouldn't be able to live. It was then that he said, "I love you." I knew he did before that, but he had never told me. I pictured his eyes when he said it, they were full of guilt for risking my life, they pleaded with me to understand that he really did love me, and they were full love, unconditional love, for me.

He actually did love me, I realized. Even though I was as bad for him as he was for me. It explained why he protected me from James and Victoria, why Carlisle agree to kill James, because Edward loved me, cared for me. It explained everything he did for me.

Except why he left. What were his reasons behind it? Did he really stop loving me? I tried to remember what happened before that day in the woods for I had successfully blocked all of the events that led up to him leaving me….

As soon as I wondered, it all came flooding back to me. My 18th birthday party….the Cullen family….my new truck radio Emmett had been installing….a paper cut….Jasper trying to attack me….Edward stopping him.

I thought of the gash on my arm, I absentmindedly ran my fingers over the faint scar that Carlisle had stitched up. I remember Carlisle telling me about Elizabeth Masen, about changing Edward. I remember picturing Edward's emerald green eyes before he died.

And then I thought of Edward's distant expression over the next few days. How he was so tense and his eyes that flat coal black, how he just wasn't _there_. I remember thinking that he was going to ask meto leave with him, which would be the reason he was acting so strange, of course I was wrong. But why would he act so sad and distant if that wasn't really what he was feeling? It could've be an act but that just wasn't Edward.

I started to sit up and put my head in my hands, again thinking of a reason for Edward to leave. And despite not knowing I felt as if the answer on the tip of my tongue, as if I could see it but it was just barely out of my reach.

At that moment I heard the door slam shut downstairs. I jumped up realizing the time and that Charlie probably needs me. I quickly wiped away my tears to head down the stairs.

"Charlie?" I called as I ran to the kitchen. He was leaning over in the chair, his face in his hands.

I wrapped my arms around him and whispered, "Oh, Dad, I'm so sorry!"

"I'm gonna miss him, ya know?" I nodded. "And he wasn't much older than me…"

"Oh, Dad!" I cried again, I felt so bad for Charlie, even with my earlier worries he was still the most important at a time like this. Suddenly Charlie sat up and dried his eyes. I looked at him, confused.

"I've been with Sue and the kids all day, I came to get some dinner, and to bring a few plates back for them." I thought about Leah and Seth, Seth who reminded me so much of Jacob before he became a werewolf, so innocent, peaceful, and happy.

"Oh, well I haven't fixed anything yet. What would you like?"

"It really doesn't matter, just something quick and easy, if you don't mind."

I quickly busied myself with fixing Charlie and the Clearwater's something to eat. I decided to go with a simple hamburger helper and corn. As I was stirring the noodles and flavoring in with the hamburger my mind began to wander again, which is never a good thing when you are trying to avoid certain thoughts.

Why would Edward leave if he loved me? As I asked myself that question, once again, I immediately knew the answer. And when I did, I felt a mixture of emotions: relief, sadness, happiness, understanding, and many more. I don't know how I didn't see it before. The answer was in the question: he left _because_ he loved me.

He tried to do this so many times before. He tried to stay away from me so I wouldn't get hurt. He tried to leave me so I could have a happy, normal life. But it was different this time he actually did leave me. What was he thinking? What would I be thinking if I were him? I tried to see it from his shoes.

If my brother took a snap at my girlfriend, my love and almost killed her. Wouldn't I feel excessively guilty and selfish for putting her in that position in the first place (especially when I had the tendency to blame myself for everything)? Wouldn't I want her to be happy even if it meant causing me pain? Of course. This all explain his actions after my birthday. But is this what really happened? Yes, I answered my unspoken question, I believe it is.

As I was pondering this I started to finish with dinner and started to put it in to small containers for everyone and left just enough for me. I grabbed a four forks and put them along with the food in a small bag.

"Charlie?" I called as I walked into the living room, where he was on the phone, making the necessary arrangements I assumed. He looked up and motioned for me to wait a minute, to which I kindly obeyed.

"Thanks, Bells. It's appreciated." Charlie said sadly.

"No problem."

Charlie started to head towards the door and I followed. Once he had his coat and boots on I handed him the bag of food, then leaned over to give him a hug and kiss on the cheek.

"Be careful, Dad."

"I will, and I'll be home soon."

After Charlie left I found myself at the kitchen table with nothing to do, I had already ate and washed the dishes. I decided to go upstairs to clean my room and email Renee.

As I was waiting for my computer to connect to the internet I walked over to my closet, I looked in and my closet was spotless, I guess being a zombie these last few months had it's advantages. I scanned the rest of my room and the only thing wrong was a few clothes on the floor from this morning and my bed need to be made.

I picked up quickly, throwing the dirty clothes in the hamper and smoothing out my blankets. By the time I was done my computer had slowly, but successfully found the internet. I turned from my bed and intended to sat in my desk chair, but as my luck would have it I tripped over…..what I thought was nothing until I looked down and I found a loose floorboard. I carefully flipped the wood over and saw what was underneath.

Edward had never taken my stuff, he had just hid it, but as childish as it may seem I was happy he did because it's further proof that he does love me. As I was sorting through the pictures, the music, and even the plane tickets to Florida I thought about the past months since he left. I was miserable so, how does Edward feel? I froze. This isn't good. Edward always overreacts. He's probably in worst shape than I am, feeling guilty and as if his life will never end, which it won't for him. I needed to find a way to tell him that everything's okay, and that he, too, should be happy and not take the blame.

Tell him that I _forgive_ him.

But, how?

I knew exactly what to do. I quickly opened my desk drawer and removed a pen, an envelope, and paper.

"_Dear_ _Edward_," I wrote as tears silently slid my face….

_"I know you may never read this, but you need to know I forgive you._

_I understand why you left, you left because you love me, you left because you want me to be happy, 'have a normal life.' And I promise to try. But I hope you do too; be happy for me and if not, for your family, they love you. _

_Please don't worry about me and remember anything is possible, I've definitely learned that since I moved to Forks. And who knows? We might meet again someday. Until then I love you, I will always love you._

_-Bella Swan _

I folded the letter and tucked it into the envelope, on which I wrote his name. I had made the decision to leave the letter in the Cullen house and prayed that Alice saw it happen.

I stood up from the floor, grabbed my truck keys and slipped into my jacket and shoes.

The house looked the same but it was dark and lonely; the yard was overgrown and swayed in the breeze. As I looked around I realized it was twilight. How appropriate, I thought.

I slowly climbed out of the cab of my truck and made my way through the grass. I tried the knob on the front door and it was unlocked. I carefully stepped over the doorway and into the one place the Cullen's could always be free. Everything was still there, covered in white sheets. I walked up the stairs memorizing every little detail. This would be my last visit.

When I got to Edward's room I stopped; I didn't know what I would find in there. With all my courage I opened the door….

It was empty. His CD's and stereo were gone, all his pictures. Everything of personal value was gone. The furniture was surrounded by more white sheets. I decided I would leave my letter on the dresser.

"Please, Please see this Alice. He needs to read this letter. He needs to know it's okay," I whispered as I walked across the room. I kissed the letter once and laid it down. "I love him so much." I broke down for the final time. The pain was overwhelming. I knew it would never go away, it would always be with me, but this would be the last time I let it take over me completely. I would always remember my time with Edward but I had a life to live. And with that I stood up to leave.

That night in bed, right before I fell asleep, I thought of Jacob, my sun. And I knew that I loved him as much more than a friend, and though I was still unsure if he deserved me, I would go along with whatever happened next, whether we stayed friends or became more than that. But before any of that happen he needed to know about my past...everything.

**Author's Note: **_This is my very first fan-fiction, so I hope you enjoyed it! Right now, I want to continue with the story, but I don't know when I will because, frankly, I have no idea what to write next…so if you have any thoughts about it please review! =)_


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